How To Live With A Neurotic Sentinel - missfae
Audio excerpt from yet to be published paper by Blair Sandburg.
Chapter 1: What makes a neurotic Sentinel? Or, I just woke up, honest.
Neurotic -- of, pertaining to or characteristic of neurosis.
(Dictionary.com, Ask.com 2009).
1) Also called psychoneurosis. A functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.
2) A relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social and interpersonal maladjustment.
Congratulations, you are now the proud partner of a Sentinel. Your partnership, otherwise known as being a Guide, will now encompass every aspect, and every nook and cranny of your life... world without end, Amen. From the moment that person stuck his or her nose in the crook of your neck and uttered, “Mine”, you were never again to have one moment of “me” time -- even if you’re willing to kill, preferably your Sentinel, for it.
Well… you are in luck. This handy manual will give you all the tools that you’ll need to keep your neurotic sentinel healthy and relatively happy.
So, let’s roll up our sleeves and get started.
Last year, one of those many surveys, the kind that never seems to make it to my apartment, took a poll and discovered an amazing statistical anomaly -- 100% of the Guides polled stated, unequivocally, that their sentinels were indeed neurotic. This proves to be a) interesting fact, especially when one examines, according to the sentinel, the root of their neuroses…is the guide. Yes, you, Mr. or Ms. Guide, you are the one making your sentinel neurotic.
Think about it -- Sentinels are natural protectors. Even Sir Richard Burton, the explorer not the actor, in his monograph, The Sentinels of Paraguay, mention these highly sensitive souls, and yes they are highly sensitive, are the watchmen for their tribe. The Sentinel tracked: weather changes, the movements of animal (be it for food or protection of the tribe), and the movement of their enemies. In essence, they were like our modern day police force.
Since we still need protection from those nefarious individuals who would harm the good citizens of our fair cities, these individuals –our sentinels- usually find themselves employed as: police officers, private detectives, military police and personal trainers. Even so, the big, bad burly, butch Sentinel always seems to pair off with shorter, often times curly-haired cute types. Think about it – Ellison and Sandburg, Bodie and Doyle, Hutch and Starsky, Barnes and Noble, Cher and Sonny… okay, the last two pairings were given to see if you were paying attention. Although, you must admit that Cher was kind of tough. But I digress.
As you view this list, you may notice a pattern. Being, the big manly Sentinel tends to find him or herself teamed up with a perpetual trouble maker. I am aware in the aforementioned pairings all the sentinels are male, but be assured that many pairings feature female sentinels. This aspect will be futher examined in Chapter 7, “The Female Sentinel Past and Present.”
Trouble magnet -- A noun. A term coined by writers to describe person or persons who attract danger the same way a magnet attracts filings.
These trouble magnets or TMs are both the joy and the bane of their Sentinels’ existence. More about this phenomenon will be referred in Chapter Two, “A Typical Day in the Life of a Sentinel.” For this chapter, I have discovered, of course after interviewing thousands of sentinels, their guides are indeed the reason said sentinel is now neurotic. Or as Skinner, succinctly puts it, “Neurotic Sentinels are made, not born.” (Skinner, My Life As Mulder’s Sentinel. 2003.) Side note – I observed Skinner’s death grip on Mulder, his TM, throughout the entire interview. We will discuss more about this topic in the chapter titled, “I Used to Be Sort of Well-Adjusted.” For now, let us take a look at a day in the life of a typical Sentinel.
The best way to explain the sentinel’s day, is the use of a time line. Bear in mind that deviations do occur, but we are speaking of the average day of an “average” sentinel.
One more note of import -- 99.9% of Sentinel/Guide pairs are intimately involved. It needs to be understood that this intimate involvement seems to strengthen the bond. The ultimate goal, at least in the sentinel’s eyes, is marriage or at the least taking the guide as a mate; however, there have been pairings in which the sentinel and his or her guide aren’t sexually involved. The two that come to mind are: Sentinel Christine Cagney/Guide Mary Beth Lacey and Sentinel Elliot Stabler/ Guide Oliver Benson. While Lacey and Stabler have a deep love and strong friendships with their guides, neither are intimately involved with them; in fact, Lacey and Stabler are married to non guides and have children. Thus, it is possible for a Sentinel/Guide pairing to function as an effective team and to be involved with another party; nevertheless, and according to most sentinels, it is a well-known fact that having the guide under you 24/7, 365 days a year, 366 in a leap year, relieves stress. Ah… but we are supposed to be observing a sentinel’s day.
Chapter 2: A Typical Day In the Life of A Sentinel
The following can be viewed as an example:
4:30 a.m. Guide turns over in bed, the unconscious sentinel’s senses gear up.
5:05 a.m. Guide is still asleep. Sentinel’s internal alarm rings -- he/she pops awake.
5:06 a.m. Guide is still asleep. Sentinel is staring at the guide.
5:07 a.m. Guide feels holes being seared into the back of his or her head.
5:10 a.m. Guide pulls blanket over head as he/she tries to ignore the Blessed Protector’s stare.
(More about the Blessed Protector syndrome in Chapter Four.)
5:15 a.m. Sentinel reaches under cover and runs hand up the inside of the guide’s thigh.
5:16 a.m. Guide’s heartbeat skyrockets.
5:17 a.m. Sentinel grins as he/she tunes into the elevated heart rate.
5:17 a.m. and 10 seconds Sentinel eases under the covers to join the guide.
6:00 a.m. Guide finally stumbles into the shower. (Well, the sentinel had to check out every inch of the guide’s body to be certain they were injury free.)
6:05 a.m. Guide slips and nearly concusses him- or herself when the sentinel reaches through the shower curtain to goose them.
6:06 a.m. The sentinel checks out his or her guide to make sure they are not hurt. The sentinel is so relieved to discover no injury to the guide that sex ensues to celebrate the near miss.
6:35 a.m. The pair finally sits down to breakfast; the sentinel is grinning, the guide- wincing.
6:37 a.m. The toaster or some other appliance explodes.
6:38 a.m. The sentinel is once again checking the guide for injuries.
6:40 a.m. The guide fends off the sentinel with, “ I’m not hurt below the waist. The pants stay on!”
7:05 a.m. The partners finally arrive at their place of employment.
At this point, it needs to be mentioned that some guides may not normally work at the same place as their Sentinels. Some examples being: Blair Sandburg, Ilya Kuryakin, after he and Napoleon left U.N.C.L.E., Jane Rizzoli’s guide Dr. Maura Isles and Steve Sloan and Jessie Travis to name a few.
7:10 a.m. The pair is called into the boss’s office because some dastardly deed has taken place.
7:30 a.m. The pair have pulled up to the scene of the crime.
7:32 a.m. The guide is taken hostage because he or she has ignored the sentinels mandate to stay back, (or in Sandburg’s case -- in the truck). This yelled by Jim in the background.
7:35 a.m. Irate sentinel tries to perform a single-handed storming of the building.
7:50 a.m. The officers have finally calmed down the sentinel, although the threat of tranquilizers was used.
8:00 a.m. The hostage-taker can’t understand why the guide is more upset that his sentinel is pacing rather than that he has been taken hostage.
8:02 a.m. Hostage-taker threatens the guide.
8:03 a.m. Sentinel hears threat and lunges for building.
8:03 a.m. and 10 seconds Guide glances out the window, sees his sentinel lunge, turns to the hostage-taker and moans, “please, if you had any mercy in you, just kill me now.”
8:03 a.m. and 30 seconds Sentinel hears plea, grabs megaphone and bellows, “release him or you will die!”
8:04 a.m. The hostage-taker marvels at the hostage’s distress at being rescued.
8:05 a.m. As the hostage pleads, the hostage-taker looks out the window at the raging man, and nearly drops his gun.
Where did that animal come from? he wonders, watching the beast as it paces in front of the building. More on this in, “Spirit Guides: Best Friends or Sources of Irritation?”
8:06 a.m. The hostage-taker starts to wonder if he’s taken a side trip to the Twilight Zone.
8:07 a.m. The hostage-taker screams as the beast appears in the room.
8:07 a.m. and 10 seconds The hostage-taker runs into the arms of waiting law enforcement who are wrinkling their noses at the smell of urine.
8:07 a.m. and 20 seconds Sentinel crashes into the house, enveloping the guide in a bone crushing hug. He uses this time to check the guide for injuries.
8:08 a.m. Sensing that the guide is safe, the sentinel chews out guide for not following orders. The others wander away as they have witnessed this scene on numerous occasions.
8:45 a.m. The criminal has been taken into custody to be processed.
9:00 a.m. The sentinel has informed his/her superior that the guide needs to be taken home- he or she has to be cared for lest psychological scars result. The superior officer sighs and gives the pair the rest of the day off.
9:15 a.m. After a hair-raising race through the streets, the sentinel has to pry loose the death grip the guide has on the door’s handle.
9:20 a.m. Yes, it took this long to pry his fingers loose, the guide lurches out of the vehicle, into their abode and the slamming of the bathroom door is heard. The sentinel decides that it is in their best interest to stay in the vehicle for a little while.
9:30 a.m. The sentinel races into the house, ignoring whatever smell is prevalent, as he hears his guide weakly call his name.
9:32 a. m. The sentinel winces as the Guide collapses against him and whines, “Do you love me?”
9:32 and 15 seconds The sentinel nods as he reaches for the guide’s toothbrush and paste.
9:50 a.m. The sentinel takes the guide, who has brushed his teeth and taken a shower, to bed. He then proceeds to do hourly “injury checks” on the guide.
5:00 p.m. The sentinel pouts and backs off when the disgruntled guide makes a suggestion that is anatomically improbable, and possibly illegal in some countries.
6:00 p.m. The guide has gotten out of bed and offers to make dinner as a way of apologizing.
7:00 p.m. The two sit down to a meal and the sentinel remembers that he is angry at the guide for putting himself in danger. He refuses to engage the guide in conversation.
7:30 p.m. Dinner is completed and the sentinel is glaring at the television screen; nevertheless, he keeps his hearing attuned to the guide’s heartbeat. He doesn’t want the poor guide too distressed.
7:45 p.m. The guide starts to ask the sentinel is he wants a massage.
7:45 and 1 second The sentinel agrees before the guide can finish the question.
7:50 p.m. The guide gets the oils and towels. He also gets naked.
7:51 p.m. The massage begins.
7:55 p.m. The sentinel is less relaxed than when the Guide began.
8:00 p.m. The sentinel requests that he and the guide switch roles and the guide acquiesces.
8:10 p.m. The guide feels something poking into his back- and knows that it ain’t the sentinel’s gun.
8:15 p.m. Let’s just say... the guide feels that there is some merit in checking for injuries......
There you have it. The day in the life of a Sentinel/Guide pair. Ah.... l’ amour... l’ amour.
We shall leave our pair to explore another aspect of their life together. Namely....
Chapter 3: Keeping Your Sentinel Amused
Since, according to most guides, there is no way to amuse a sentinel, we’ll just skip to the next chapter.
Chapter 4: Testing Your Sentinel. Or as James Ellison calls it, “Torturing Your Sentinel.”
The only way to know the true potential of your sentinel is to put him or her through an extensive series of tests.
According to Blair Sandburg, a good guide knows constant testing is key to the sentinel developing his or her senses to the highest potential. How can one test his or her sentinel? Well... let me tell you, there are plenty of tried and truuuuu
Sorry to interrupt, but I think that we need to get some things straight. Oh. Who am I? I just happen to be the sentinel to the writer of this portion of the manuscript. I know... he didn’t tell you that he was a guide. He is. And let me tell you that he’s a pain. But, he’s my pain.
Anyway, I need to clear up a few misconceptions ... hold for a sec.
I’m back, sorry about that. I had a couple of things to “discuss” with my guide. He’s doing some paperwork in his study. noises in the background and the slamming of a door is heard
Blair is the primary author of this piece of work, but he has asked other guides to add their experiences I should have known my guide, Tony DinNozzo, would choose to add his unique “perspective”. That’s the reason he has me, to set the record straight.
I shall do so now.
Back to that delusion concerning the sentinel and his or her amusement or lack thereof, it is important to inform you that we are quite easy to amuse. Give us a day where our guide is not devising some new torture, aka new tests, do what we tell them and we'll be highly amused. Also, don't mess with our stuff.
I can't tell you how many times, I reach in my drawer for a pair of socks only to discover that my guide has decided that this is as good a place as any for a stray tie or two. We like order and walking into a room that looks like a bomb has gone off in it is a tad bit off that definition.
We also enjoy actually relaxing on our day or days off. Fishing and spending time with nature are great sources of amusement for us. We are natural hunters and outdoors men, a fact that many guides do not appreciate. Unfortunately, we sometimes have to take the guide on these days of fun because to leave them at home would prove to be traumatic.
I will never forget the time Ellison, Skinner, Lassiter, and I left our guides home- Sanburg, Mulder, Spencer and DiNozzo respectively- for a weekend of fishing and general tough ex-military bonding. How the four of them managed to be kidnapped by Nazi, Eskimo, gender-bending, cross-dressers is way beyond our scope of reasoning. Let’s just chalk it up to them being who they are....
The sound of glass shattering is heard followed by a roared “Dinozzo.” “Boss, I can explain.” fades out as it appears that Dinozzo is moving away from the recorder. The tape ends.
Acknowledgements: Thank you, Tinnean for taking the time to be a great mentor to me. I hope to one day be able to really do you proud. Thank you to Patt for giving me a way to get my writings out to a larger readership and nominating me for my first award. And as always, thanks to sis who makes me write even when I don’t want to. Hugs to you all.
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