Thinking - Pollyset

They are going to love him at the Academy...

How could they not? How could anyone NOT love Blair Sandburg? Jim Ellison pondered that thought, on top of the many other things running through his mind. Driving through town, he had intended to head straight home. Blair wouldn't be back at the loft for a few hours as he was taking Naomi to the Airport. She was, as usual, beating a hasty retreat.

His leg was hurting like a bastard, and he KNEW his Guide would have some strange sort of meditation technique or herbal cure, or something to take the edge of the pain. His dials were all out of whack, and he grimaced at the horn blasting from the car behind him.

Yeah, Yeah, lady, so I changed my mind. He thought towards the offending motorist as he swerved into the right lane at the last minute, and headed for the park.

Leaving the truck, he walked towards one of his favorite spots. A bench, under some trees, quiet, and peaceful. Sitting down, careful of his leg, he started to put the cane down, but stopped, and contemplated it for a moment.

Good thing this cane.

He smiled, remembering pulling Blair to him in the bullpen, or what was left of the bullpen. No one had thought twice when he hugged his Guide, and gave him a playful rub on the head, making hair jokes.

When should I tell him he doesn't have to cut it? After all, he is going to be a Detective, and it wouldn't do to have him looking too much like a cop. When did Sandburg EVER look like a cop? Would I WANT Sandburg to look like a cop?

He leaned back on the bench, still holding the cane in front of him...

Don't really need the cane to pull Blair to me, When had Blair ever run FROM me? No matter what I dragged the kid through....

Visions of Blair jumping out of a plane, diving off a cliff, standing on the roof of the car in the PD garage, holding a gun...Jim squeezed his eyes shut, willing the one things he knew he would never forget out of his mind...Blair...wet, cold, that DAMN fountain.

He even followed me back from death!!

He threw the cane away, suddenly repulsed at the thought of pulling Blair closer to him.


Pulling his collar a bit tighter around his neck, Blair found a peaceful place to sit, and think. He had a LOT of thinking to do.

SHIT!! The Academy. Do I really want this?? Oh YEAH!!! Be Jim's official partner...follow him around all day...wait a minute. Why am I always following Jim Ellison around? Why did I jump off a plane, a cliff, I even came back from the dead for him. I am either passively suicidal, or a nut...or....

The thought was right below the surface, and he tried to push it back, but no way was his overactive mind going to shut down now....

Easy, you idiot. You do all these crazy ass things because you are hopelessly, completely, like for life and ever, in love with the guy...

Leaning back against the tree, he relished the quiet in the near empty park. He knew Jim liked to come here to think, and know he knew why. Even though he was in the middle of the City, it seemed like he was far away from everyone for at least a short while. In the distance, he could see a lone figure sitting on a bench, his back to him, also probably looking for a bit of solitude.

Well fine. The park is plenty big for the both of us. Maybe I will drop a hint to Jim about a fishing trip, or camping, or anything to get us out of the City for a while. Jim must have some down time coming with his injury, and I don't have classes for a few weeks because of break.

The thought came to an abrupt halt.

I donít have classes again, ever...Cop School, I'll have Cop School, but how hard can that be? I have been taking the at home course for years now, certainly life experience accounts for something...God, I am so like FUCKED here!!! How can I go back to the loft, look Jim in the eye, and pretend I don't have THESE feelings for him? He is a Sentinel for God's sakes!! I KNOW...I wrote the damn book!! He will know...if he doesn't suspect already. He said he didn't trust me?...But then he seemed genuinely pleased I would be his partner. Said...what did he say?? Like I didn't memorize it...that line about the best partner, and pulling him through some really weird shit...Man, if he only KNEW how weird the shit is that I want to pull him through!! When did I start having these thoughts about Jim? When didn't I??!! Jim will kill me when he figures it out, and he'll FIGURE it out!! He can read me like a book. Who am I kidding? Like Jim, Mr. Body Beautiful would ever look at a short, geeky Anthropologist...would he....


..........Want me? Why would the babe magnet, Blair ever want an old......well, not old,...older, repressed cop, that has a way of saying really mean things, and dragging him into life or death situations. What do I have to offer him? OK, OK...I did give him a home when he really needed one....I threw him out of it........I gave him some stability.......I ruined his life........I took care of him when he was sick.....or injured from being around me.......showed him another way of him killed....DAMN!!!!!! When did I become gay??...or whatever this is. I mean, Blair is so decidedly a MAN!!! I KNOW!! I have lived with him for almost 4 years now! but still, he is still!

Jim smiled as he conjured up a picture of his friend in front of him, long hair blowing in the breeze, endless layers of flannel, bouncing on his feet, excited hands flying around in front of him trying to make some point.

Blair is truly beautiful. If I told him that, would he knock me flat on my ass? And those eyes. No one has ever looked at me like THAT???

He sat forward, holding on to the bench with his hands, as if trying to hold onto the thought that just jumped into his mind...

He looks at me like THAT!! like I am well...everything. Simon once said something about hero worship. But what if it is something more?? No! No way!! Blair is the epitome of heterosexuality, isn't he? I never really asked him. 'Heah Chief. Do you sleep with men?' Nope, can't remember that ever coming up in conversation. We talk about...


....All sorts of strange things. Weird ideas are running through my head

"SHIT!!" Blair said aloud. It sounded a bit loud to his ears, sitting under a tree in an almost deserted park. Looking around he didn't see anyone, no one had heard him, no one was around. Just that same guy sitting alone, on the bench far enough away that Blair couldn't make out anything about him.

Now if I had Jim's vision, I probably could count the hairs on his head...I am NOT cutting my hair...very short...

That thought brought a smile to his face, remembering all the times he had said that to Jim. But now...

Now it isn't a joke any more. I am going to have to cut my hair. The ultimate sacrifice, cutting my hair for Jim. I would cut my going to ...probably...cut my hair for Jim. What does that tell you? Naomi seemed pleased at the station, but she couldn't seem to get away fast enough. Insisted on a cab even...couldn't wait to get away from me....She taught me well. When in doubt, run like Hell. So why am I still here? I am not running like Hell from Jim Ellison, I keep running to him. Like a magnet. DAMN!!! How can I tell my best friend, the covert ops, special forces fighting machine, super macho cop, that I am hopelessly in love with him? That will be the last straw...'OK, Chief. This ride is over. Pack your bags.' can hear him now as I lose the first ever meaningful relationship in my life. Jim is more then just someone I love...want to love, he is my partner, my best friend, my confidant, roommate, Blessed Protector...We enjoy the same things...Ok, I really do love Wonderburger, but I'll never tell him! Jim is so easy to be with, even when he is all dark and brooding. I still don't mind. He needs time to himself, to think things through. We do so many things together...Jags games, camping, fishing, just guy...


....things together like camping, and fishing, Jags games Hell, even food shopping with Sandburg is a hoot! I've never seen a guy work a produce department like he does. He manages to get the numbers of all the young, pretty girls there!! Could he give up his flirting ways? Would he be happy with just me? Because i KNOW once he is mine...all mine....I won't share, ever!! Territorial Imperative, or something like it. Blair could probably write another chapter for the damn diss about this. But recently, he hasn't been on as many dates...when does he have time between the U, and chasing me around? Which is probably a good thing. His love life was nothing but a train wreck...


...........that is what he called my love life!! A train wreck!! Like his is a smooth commute. ...I don't think so!! HA!! Jim seems to attract these criminal type, gorgeous, tall, with legs up to forever criminal type women. I wonder if he would ever consider being with me? I've never really been with a guy. Those adolescent fumblings can hardly be worth much in the experience department. But I am a fast study!! I could do research!! I'm really good at research! Maybe Jim has........

******************************* idea how these things are done. Hell, I saw just about everything in Vice. I have the basic idea, but what I saw in Vice was sordid, dirty. Somehow I know what Blair and I could have together wouldn't be like that...I like his body. Compact, solid, well proportioned. Those eyes, that hair. I could run my hands through it, and...SHIT!!! I'm getting hard sitting here, thinking about having, making love with my male roommate!!! GOD!! Ellison, you sap! So this is love...OK, OK..I can do this, I can. Hell, I did the Army, Covert Ops, the Academy, and I can even handle these wacky senses, mostly because of Blair's help. I bet he could help me with the other thing, too!! Do some research or something, he is good at that. I guess it comes down to the fact that I always want Blair to be there for me, selfish bastard that I am. No matter how hard I push him away, he comes back for more...but does he want more? Will he let us become lovers? Can he love me like I.......


...................Love him. I really do. No other excuse for my behavior. Now I will probably loose him. No way is he going to go for THIS idea!! 'Heah, Jim!! I got a test..' No way he is buying that line. I mean, he's an open minded guy, considering how he was raised...oh SHIT!! His Father!!!..I am so like dead here. I am going to loose him, I know it. I have gotten spoiled with Jim being there, like a safety net...a big, handsome, buff, safety net. Naomi never showed me a home, she showed me the world, but we never had a real home. Jim IS home. Maybe that what Love really is all about, the person who makes you feel like Home. I really feel at home with Jim in the........

************************* is more like a home then before Blair. Carolyn hated the loft. Said it was like living in a garage. Blair would probably make a garage into a home, and be.....


..................Happy to follow him anywhere, and I guess that is it. I follow where he leads, and maybe he leads where I push him. Somehow two very different men have found each other, and a symbiotic relationship has been formed. We give and take, and end up together in the middle. It all makes sense now to me...we give, and take, but we make it work. Can we make THIS work?? How many changes can one guy take in a day?

He wrapped his arms around himself, rocking slowly, trying to fight off a panic attack.


.....How am I ever going to tell Blair how I feel?

Jim asked himself as he started to get off the bench, retrieving the cane from the ground.

Maybe if he starts to run away, I can use this to pull him to me again, and hold him there...

He started to leave, but heard a familiar sound calling to him. He turned his head to one side, and zeroed in on its source.

Looking across the park, he saw a lonely figure, sitting up against a tree. The noise was a heartbeat, but not just any heartbeat, but the one that was forever drawing him to it, Blair's.

Using his sight, he could easily make out Blair, sitting under a tree, rocking back and forth, hair blowing in the chilly breeze, and looking very alone, and vulnerable. Jim headed towards him, drawn ever to this man.

Blair looked up, feeling Jim's presence even before he heard or saw him coming. The young man watched as his Sentinel walked across the grass, limping, using that cane. Even so, his grace, and strength was evident.

"Heah, Jim." Blair said looking up nervously as Jim reached his side. "What are you doing here?"

Jim silently reached his hand out to Blair, a silent peace offering, and offer of many things.

Blair accepted, letting Jim pull him towards him.

Holding onto Blair's hand, Jim pulled his Guide to him, wrapping the smaller man in a solid hug, absently dropping the cane.

"I'm so sorry, Chief." he said into Blair's hair, praying the man in his arms would understand. "I'm so sorry. I have been an ass, you know that you are the one person I will always trust, have always trusted. Can you ever forgive me?"

Neither man had any intentions of letting the other go. Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's solid body, his panic subsiding in the safety of Jim's nearness. His hands and arms underneath Jim's leather jacket, taking strength from the Detectives strong, solid back.

"Jim, man, it's me that is sorry. I would never have published that diss. Would never have let anything with your name like that ever...oh, man..I almost ruined your life..."

"Oh, Blair..." Jim whispered, pulling back, and cupping his guide's beloved face with his hands. Looking into the deep blue eyes that looked at him with such adoration.

How could I have ever missed it?


......OH MY GOD!! He is going to kiss me Jim is going to...


..........kiss him...I am going to kiss him.

"Jim, there is something I have to tell you..."

"I think you have been telling me for years now, Chief. "

Jim slowly lowered his lips, stopping just short of Blair's mouth. Hearing no protest, he pressed his lips to Blair's, claiming his Guide for his own.

The end.

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