Avast by missfae

Avast - missfae

The sweat glistened on the manly chest of the pirate as he brushed the unruly mop of burnt auburn hair from his forehead.

“Jamon,” the burly pirate bellowed, “where be ye? Avast lazin` around.”

“Aye, Captain,” First Mate Jamon peeked from the hold at the broad-chested pirate. Running his hand through his midnight-black hair he asked,

“What be yer orders?”

Bl’air puffed out said broad chest. “I be searchin’ fer Prince James. He who be held sway by th’ evil wizard Lee.”

Jamon climbed up until he stood next to his captain. As they both surveyed the horizon, he spoke.

“Yes, Captain. Thar us nay a more vile ruffian than th’ dreaded Lee.”

Bl’air raised his manly hands and rested them on his slim, albeit, manly hips.

“We must use ever’ weapon in our arsenal. We must ensure th’ safety o’ th’ prince an’ assure th’ lad’s safe return.”

“Thar she be,” bellowed Davey, the lookout. He pointed to the large vessel that appeared almost like magic.

“th’ SS Scurvy Cur. Get th’ cannons ready,!” ordered Bl’air.

“Aye, Captain,” Jamon replied.


The thunderous boom, the noxious-smelling fumes and the billowing smoke caused the men to choke as they closed their eyes and covered their ears. Once the smoke cleared the crew looked across the expanse of the water.

Davey’s eyes bulged. “She’s still afloat, Captain.”

Bl’air tossed an impatient glance up to the crows nest. “I can be seein’ that Mr. Lash.”

The man climbed down and grasped the captain’s muscular arm.

“What can we do?”

The Pirate Bl’air raised his other muscular arm, yes he had two of them, and pimp-slapped the quivering mass of jello masquerading as a man.

“We fire th’ number two cannon. He turned to his First Mate. “Fire!”

“Fire!” Jamon echoed.

Once again, the crew was blinded and choked by the fumes and smoke that blew into their faces. And when the smoke cleared...

“Blast ’t! She`s still thar.” Si’mon pointed at the offending vessel.

Mouth agape, Jamon stared at the other ship. “What do we do now?”

“Let me think.” Bl’air rubbed his heavily bearded jaw as he paced the deck. He looked over to see the other crew making faces and laughing at them. In front of them was the evil wizard Lee; he held a struggling Prince James by his side.

“Your weak cannons cannot penetrate the might that is my protective spell,” boasted the snarling wizard. “Do your worst. I shall arise victorious.”

Bl’air narrowed his eyes as he watched the other crew jump around like monkeys. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers.

“I`ve got ‘t. Brin’ ou’ th’ super-secret, super-duper guaranteed t’ defeat `em Plasma Launcher.”

“Captain” gasped Davey, who had pulled himself to his feet; he left the blood streaming down his face. He was too in awe of the captain’s prowess to wipe away the blood. “That’s too cruel.”

Jamon nodded.“That weapon will totally obliterate th’ enemy.”

Bl’air’s eyes were like steel. “Get ’t!”


“He did what!?!?” Naomi tried not to come away with a handful of hair as she tugged at it. Her other hand was gripping the phone so tightly that it threatened to crack. “No, our son was not raised by jackals...”

“Come on, James." Seven-year-old Blair lugged the suitcase to the open window. "Before she gets off the phone.”

James looked out and down. “I told you that moms don’t appreciate the use of secret weapons.”

“No, Mrs. Brackett, urinating on one’s 'enemies' is not a practice that we have imparted to our child-”

Blair hoisted the suitcase out the window. “I think Europe is good this time of year.”

James climbed onto the sill. “I think the Foreign Legion is still taking recruits.”

The End

Back to Index

Notes: Thank you to Kelly my beta and to my mentor Tinnean.