The Journal - Patt
Blair was walking down the street from the library, rain pouring down on him and wondering if he was ever going to be dry. What a horrible way to end a perfectly horrible day. Michael had asked him to dinner and he accepted, thinking it was just two friends going out, Michael wanted more. Now Michael was mad about it and told Blair he was a prick tease. The rain continued to soak Blair to the bone. He looked down and saw what looked like a journal lying in a puddle of water. Blair reached down and picked it up and carried it to his car. He was already soaked, it’s not like a soaking wet journal would make any difference when he got to the car.
Once he was seated inside the dry car, he pulled a towel from his backpack and began to dry his hair off. It hadn’t rained like this in ages. He looked at the journal and saw that it had no name inside the first page. He couldn’t help it, he opened it up and thought he would see if it said anything about who it belonged to so he could return it.
March 10th-I’m in love with him. He doesn’t know, but I do love him. He’s my roommate and thinks that I like women like he does. I’m totally in love with my very male roommate and there is nothing I can do about it. He likes me as his friend, in fact we are best friends, but I know there could never be any more.
March 11th-He was home sick today and you have no idea how badly I wanted to stay home and take care of him. I keep hoping that he’ll notice me one day, but I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. He doesn’t know I’m alive when it comes to physical attraction. He’s fucking gorgeous and doesn’t even know it. He just thinks he’s an ordinary man. Ordinary would never describe him. He’s not only gorgeous, but super nice to everyone to boot. I need to start realizing that I’m not going to get any further then being his best friend.
March 12th-He feels much better today. When he smiled at me at breakfast, he lit up the room with that smile. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wanted to reach across the table and kiss him passionately. Something has to change.
Blair couldn’t believe what he was reading. This could have been written by him. This is how he felt about Jim. Now he had a journal about a man in the same boat. He knew it was wrong, but he had to read more and find out what this person did to make his life better. Blair put the journal in his backpack and drove home. He knew that Jim would be worried about him if he didn’t get there soon. He would read more of the journal when he was alone in his room. Jim wouldn’t have to know.
When Blair walked into the loft, Jim smiled and said, “Are you taking a shower outside now?”
“Very funny. I got rained on, on the way back from the library. I couldn’t find the book I wanted either. So it was a total bust.” Blair didn’t mention it wasn’t really because he had found someone he had something in common with. He could hardly wait to read more of it.
“You hungry? I made dinner,” Jim said.
“I had dinner out. Sorry, I should have called. I wasn’t even thinking. I wanted to go to the library and ran into a friend there and we had dinner at Subway.”
“What friend?” Jim wondered aloud.
“Do you remember Michael Church from one of my classes? Well I ran into him and he asked me out for dinner,” Blair explained.
“So you had a date with him?” Jim asked sounding very surprised.
“Actually it was a date, only I didn’t know it. I just thought it was two friends hanging out and having dinner. He wanted more. He said I was a prick tease,” Blair explained some more.
“Well, he probably thought you understood what he meant,” Jim said.
“Jim, you and I treat each other to lunch all the time and we’ve never called each other a prick tease.”
“Yes, but that’s us. We understand our boundaries, am I right?” Jim asked.
“Whatever. I just want to take a hot shower and go to bed. I’m exhausted. See you in the morning,” Blair said as he walked away.
“I thought you were going to watch the game with me tonight,” Jim said sounding hurt.
“Oh shit, I forgot. Give me a few minutes so I can take a hot shower first. Then we’ll watch the game,” Blair said as he went to his room to get dry clothing and put his backpack on the floor.
When Blair came out all dry and warm, he sat down on the sofa next to Jim and saw Jim smile and Blair just melted. Jim really did like him. They were the best of friends.
“I made popcorn with real butter on it,” Jim said.
“That’s not good for you, Jim,” Blair nagged.
“Well it tastes good, do you want some or not?” Jim got up to get the bowls before the game started.
“Sure, why not. We’ll live on the edge tonight. Bring me a beer too, please?” Blair said.
“Already had that planned. This is going to be a great game and hopefully the Jags will win. I’ve got a bet going with Henri and Rafe in the bullpen, so I hope I don’t have to pay them.”
“How much did you bet?” Blair asked smiling.
“Ten bucks to each of them. They said our beloved Jags are going to go down tonight,” Jim said as he put the tray on the table with the popcorn, bowls and two beers on it.
Blair grabbed one of the beers and opened up the top. “They’re so full of shit. You’re going to win big time, Jim.”
“From your mouth to God’s ear,” Jim kidded.
The game started and both men watched rooting for their team. It was a wonderful night for Blair. He loved these nights when he got to spend quality time with Jim. Even if Jim didn’t know Blair thought it was quality time.
The game was very close, but before long the Jags pulled it out and won the big game. The two men jumped off the sofa and did a chest bump and hooped and hollered.
Blair looked at his watch and saw that it was already 9:30 and he wanted to do some reading out of a certain journal. “Man, I can’t believe it’s 9:30 already. I’m going to excuse myself and go to bed. Talk to you in the morning. Thanks for the nice night,” Blair said quickly as he picked up his beer bottles and put them in the recycle bin.
“Did you rinse those bottles out first?” Jim ragged.
“No, I’ll do it now,” Blair said pulling them back out and rinsing them out. He then put them into the recycle bin. “Anything else need to be rinsed out?”
“No, I’ll get everything else. You go ahead and go to bed. See you in the morning, Chief.”
“Thanks for the nice evening, Jim.”
“Same here partner,” Jim answered.
Blair got ready for bed and then walked into his room and shut the door. He knew that he would be safe for a short while before Jim checked to see why he wasn’t sleeping. Jim could tell everything that Blair did in the loft. Sometimes that was a little unnerving.
He picked the journal up and turned the first page over.
March 13th-Things are going well. We went out for dinner tonight. Another night of having him pay, but it still not being a date-date. He doesn’t even notice when people looked at us like we were a couple. He didn’t care and knows it’s not true, so why would he care? He looked damn fine in his jeans and tight tee shirt. He can wear that and turn me on big time. Although, I like to think of him wearing nothing but his smile. That’s what really makes my night. Maybe tomorrow he’ll notice me for a change. Geeze, I’m cracking myself up here.
March 14th-Today was a bad day at work. Nothing I did turned out right, but when I got home he had dinner made and my laundry was done. It’s almost like he can tell when I have bad days before I even know. When he asked me if I wanted to play cards, I knew he pitied me, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted to spend more time with him. We had a great night. I love spending time with him, even if it’s not the type of time I’d really like. I watched him while we were playing cards and found myself staring quite often. He’s so handsome. He’s got fantastic features. When you meet this man, you think of a model. That’s how nice looking he is. I’m very glad that we’re still best friends. I like having him this close to me.
March 15th-I made a terrific dinner tonight to surprise him and he was surprised all right. He came home with a woman. He hasn’t been dating much, but I guess he’s back at it again. I found myself trying to find things wrong with her so I could point them out to him later, but she was perfect. I can only hope that she’s a murderer or something. On second thought, I don’t want him dating a murderer. That would be dangerous. His job is dangerous enough. They’re going to see a movie and having dinner out. I’ll just throw all of this fucking food out.
Blair felt bad for this man. He was in the same boat that Blair was in. Jim was going to bring home another woman one of these days and it would drive Blair nuts. Blair knew he was being selfish, but he didn’t much care. He was going to read two more parts and then it was bedtime.
March 16th-He’s seeing that woman again. Twice in two days? That’s serious. I might as well move now. Oh fuck her, she’s not winning that easily. I’m going to find something wrong with her. While he was getting ready I talked to her and she’s nice, god-damnit. I wanted to hate her, but she’s very pleasant to be around. No wonder he likes dating her twice in a row. My goose is cooked.
March 17th-Three nights in a row and she acts like she wants to spend the night tonight. If he sleeps with her I’m going to just die. My heart is fucking breaking. Oh if I could just tell him how I really felt. Life just doesn’t work that way and that’s fine. I want him to be happy. Wait a minute I hear her leaving---holy shit, he said that she wasn’t his type. He sent her home. He didn’t want to be part of her little dream world. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I’ll take this as a good omen. He’s mine again, until the next girl comes into play. I can sleep now.
Blair had tears in his eyes, because he knew that he would have felt the same way about a woman and Jim. He wanted Jim to be happy, but he wanted to be with Jim too. It was like a vicious circle.
Jim knocked on the door and Blair almost fell out of bed.
“Yeah?” Blair said.
“Chief, is there something wrong?” Jim asked through the door.
“No, I’m fine. Go back to sleep. I’m going to sleep now too,” Blair said as he wiped his eyes.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Jim inquired again.
“I’m fine Jim. Now go to sleep. See you in the morning,” Blair said as he pulled the covers up and rolled on his side.
He heard Jim walk back up the stairs to his bedroom, that very same bedroom that Blair would give anything to sleep in. Blair realized he was a little depressed and Jim must have picked up on it. Maybe that journal wasn’t the best thing to read. He would have to think about reading it again. Blair put the journal under his bed and tried to get to sleep. He thought about how much he loved Jim and how much he would love to have Jim in his life and got sad again. This was never going to happen. It didn’t happen for the other guy either. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Jim made breakfast because Blair was sleeping in. In fact, Blair was more then sleeping in. His alarm didn’t even go off. Jim opened up Blair’s door and saw a feverish looking roommate looking back at him.
“I think I’m sick,” Blair stated.
“You think?” Jim asked sarcastically.
“Let me call Simon and tell him we won’t be in today,” Jim said.
“No, I want you to go in without me. Please, just let me sleep today. That’s what I need,” Blair pleaded with Jim.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Jim asked looking at Blair like he could see through him.
“I’m fine, just got a cold from the rain last night. I should know better. I should have started with the vitamin C right away. Sorry I’m not going to be there to help with the cases we need to finish up today.”
“Don’t worry about it, Chief. I’m going to go in and try and get off early. You just stay in bed and I’ll bring dinner tonight, something bland and easy to digest.”
“Thank you, Jim. You’re the best friend a guy could have, especially a sick guy.”
“I’ll see you at about 3:00, if I can swing it. Okay?” Jim asked as he headed to the door.
“That would be great. Thanks for everything, Jim.”
Jim left and Blair watched out the balcony window and saw him pull out of the parking lot. He was sad to see him go. Perk up you moron, you can’t be doing this in front of Jim. One of these days he’s going to figure it out and throw your ass out onto the street.
Blair grabbed a bottle of juice and went back into the bedroom. He took some aspirin with the juice, figuring this would help him feel much better. He could only hope.
Blair pulled the Journal back out and opened it to the page where he left off.
March 18th-He’s quiet today. Something seems to be on his mind. I wish I could just ask him, but I don’t really have a right to get into his personal life. At dinner he looked sadder then I’d ever seen him look. I wonder if it’s the job. Being a cop is hard work and he always seems to be on top of it, but maybe he can’t always be on top. I wonder if something happened today that he can’t talk about. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could hold him. I wish he would let me love him.
Blair couldn’t believe it. The guy was a cop. No wonder the other guy doesn’t want to push himself on him. Cops are pretty much off limits. What a small world this was.
March 19th-He’s still quiet and hasn’t been eating well. I’ve got to talk to him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he killed someone. What do you say to that? I wanted to take him in my arms and just hold him, but knew that wouldn’t work. So instead I talked to him. I mean, I really talked. I think I actually made him feel better. I told him what a good friend he was and how much I appreciated him sharing his home with me. I just basically said everything that was true in my heart. Once I was done he seemed to feel a little better and this made me feel good for a change. I was thinking of him this time, not myself. He was the most important person in the world right that moment and I wanted him to know it. He finished his dinner and told me thank you for the talk before he went to bed. He looked much better. I think he’s going to be all right. Although I suggested he see someone to talk about it. Hopefully he will.
March 20th-He’s a little better today. He ate a good breakfast that I made for him and he’s talking about going fishing this weekend. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. I was shocked. I figured he would want some time alone, but he asked me to go along. Of course I told him I would gladly go along. I’m very happy today. I know it’s only a fishing trip, but I can dream.
March 22nd-I couldn’t write in my journal while I was on the fishing trip. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. We had a great time. We caught, cleaned and ate all of our own food while we were up there. He was relaxed and happy and that in turn made me happy. There was one point where I almost forgot what the situation was and kissed him. He was that fucking loveable all weekend. I hope we make many trips up there to fish. It was relaxing and fun. I even had fun, even though I wanted it to be more. Most of the time I forgot about it. The weather was gorgeous and the scenery was awesome. He indeed made my month asking me to go along with him. I’ll never forget this day.
March 23rd-There is a new cop at the station. He told me about her and he’s asked her out. I don’t know if I can stand this anymore. I haven’t had a date in months. I have to stop this. He has to be allowed to be happy, right? He needs to have fun and happiness in his life. Everyone deserves that, including me. It’s time I moved on to someone else. He’s never going to notice me. I can’t walk around feeling this despair all the time. He’s going to notice one of these days and I’ll break down. I really don’t want to cry in front of him. He’s such a good, strong man and I don’t want to upset him in any way. As of today, I’m done with trying to get him to notice me. I feel like I’m going to die. My heart is broken and I truly don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. I wonder if there is anyone else in the world that feels the same way I do. I wish I had someone to talk to. But he’s the only one I could ever talk to and that wouldn’t work. I’m destined to be alone and empty inside. Too bad things couldn’t have worked out differently. His life must go on.
Blair turned the page sadly and found it empty. In fact the entire journal was empty from that point on. There were no more entries. Blair was so depressed he could hardly think straight and he needed to get in better shape for when Jim got home. He looked up at the clock and saw it was already 2:30, and Jim had said he’d be home at 3:00. Blair put the journal away and went in to take a shower. He felt so sad that he wanted to cry his eyes out, but Jim would notice that and he couldn’t have Jim know that he had read that and had felt the same things that man had felt. He stepped into the shower and let the warm water run over his tired body and it felt so good that he almost forgot for a moment that his life was just like this person’s. What had happened to that person? Did he die? He had sounded like he might have killed himself. He was one of the saddest people Blair had ever come in contact with, and Blair had never even met him. But Blair understood and knew just how he felt.
Jim knocked on the door and said, “You all right in there?”
“Yeah, I’ll be out in a second,” Blair replied.
“I got deli sandwiches and soup. Does that sound good?” Jim asked, still standing at the door. He didn’t want to leave, because he could tell that something was wrong, no matter what Blair had said.
“That sounds great. I’ll be out in one minute,” Blair said hoarsely.
Jim was worried, but he didn’t want to freak his roommate out right away. He had to take this slow and see if Blair wanted to talk to him. He walked into the kitchen and got the food ready for when Blair came out of the bathroom.
What was wrong with Blair? What was making him so sad? Jim knew he would have to find out if Blair didn’t talk to him.
Blair came walking out and sat down at the table. “Smells good, Jim.”
Jim smiled at him, knowing he was putting on a false front to make him feel less panicky. “Well, I got some homemade soup and sandwich fixings. I thought that might be easy to swallow, if you’re throat is sore.”
“This will be just fine. I’m starving, believe it or not,” Blair said.
Jim had his first ray of hope since he’d arrived home. “Good, eat up. Here is the soup and I’ll make your sandwich now.” Jim got up and made them both a nice sandwich. Blair was eating the soup and loving every bite of it. He hadn’t realized how hungry he’d been. He was feeling a little better about life in general.
Jim sat down across from Blair and said, “I need you to talk to me, Blair.”
“About what?” Blair asked.
“You think I don’t see the sadness in your eyes? I’m not blind. I know something is going on and I want you to talk to me about it. I don’t care what it is, we’ll figure it out.” Jim commanded.
“Jim, it’s something I’ve done. I had no right to do something and I did it anyhow and now I have to live with it,” Blair tried to explain.
“First of all, nothing you would have done would ever be that bad. You’re too good of a person to have this hanging over your head. So talk to me,” Jim stated rather sternly.
“Jim, how do you feel about me?” Blair asked point blank.
“You’re my best friend, so I’m crazy about you. Why? Is it something I did?” Jim asked worriedly.
“I don’t want to be your best friend,” Blair said sadly.
Jim didn’t know what to say to that. “I take it I did something to push you away and this time it was too much, right? I’m sorry.”
“Jim, you didn’t do anything. I don’t want you to think of me as your best friend. I want more then that,” Blair said boldly.
“I don’t understand, Blair.”
“Jim, I’m not going to do this all by myself. Now how do you feel about me?” Blair shouted.
“You’re my best fucking friend in the world. What’s wrong with that?” Jim asked sounding hurt.
Blair got up and started to pace. “I refuse to let us have the same ending as they did. I want more out of life then he did. We’re going to talk about this god-damn-it.”
“Blair, I’m lost here. Who are you talking about?” Jim asked softly, trying not to upset his partner.
Blair went into his room and found the journal and brought it out. “Sit down, Jim. You’re going to read this journal I found and you’re going to talk to me after you read it.”
Jim sat down and took the journal and opened it. He started to read, and looked up at Blair oddly. “Blair, this is someone’s personal life, we shouldn’t be reading it.”
“Read it, damn it,” Blair ordered.
Jim started to read and just kept reading, not looking up at Blair again. He turned the pages and looked almost as sad as Blair had when he had read it. He finally finished it and looked for the next pages. “Where is the rest of it?”
“He never finished it, Jim. What do you think he did?” Blair asked.
“I have no idea. He must have tossed the journal and moved on like he said he was going to,” Jim believed.
“I believe that he might not have moved anywhere. What if he killed himself? What if he couldn’t take it anymore? Couldn’t that have happened?” Blair asked.
“Of course that could have happened, but I refuse to believe that a man that was so full of love just gave up on life like that. I truly believe he’s out there somewhere trying to make his life work,” Jim said.
Blair sat across from Jim and said, “Now once again, how do you feel about me?”
“I love you,” Jim confessed.
“I love you, too.”
Neither man said anything for some time. Blair was shocked that Jim admitted to loving him. Oh fuck, what if he means he loves me as a big brother loves a little brother?
“Jim, could you tell me exactly how you feel about me? And more then three words,” Blair asked.
“Blair, I’m in love with you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I don’t love you like my little brother.”
Blair smiled and said, “I love you the same way. What do we do about it?”
Jim thought a moment and said, “I think we should start dating.”
“Dating? Jim, I want you. I don’t want to date you,” Blair teased.
“If you don’t want to date me, then maybe we don’t love each other the same way. I never want you to feel like that man that was in that journal. He was a sad, sad man. So was his roommate. They could have been us for Christ’s sake. We’re going to date, Blair.”
“Okay, how long do we have to date before I get to move upstairs with you?” Blair questioned.
Jim smiled and said, “I say two weeks. We need to have a courting period. I want to court you, Blair.”
“I think I’d like that.”
“Good, now get ready, we’re going to a movie tonight and dinner. What movie would you like to see?” Jim asked.
“I don’t care as long as we do it together and we can hold hands in the theater. I’d also like a cozy booth at Claim Jumper for dinner. If we want to hold hands, we can hold hands,” Blair said.
“Okay, let’s get ready to go. We can eat a late dinner and go to the movie first. We’ll just go and figure out what we want to see once we’re there. How does that sound?” Jim inquired.
Blair smiled at Jim and said, “Can I have a first kiss right now? Or does that have to wait?”
Jim leaned into Blair and kissed him with such passion that it took Blair off guard. He wasn’t expecting that type of kiss for the first time. Now he was hard as a rock and wanted to do something else.
“No, we’re not doing anything else. We’re dating, damn it,” Jim barked.
Blair laughed and said, “Okay, okay. We’re dating.”
“Would you have ever said anything if you hadn’t read that journal, Chief?”
“Probably not, because I was afraid of what you would think of me,” Blair answered.
“We’re sort of dense aren’t we?” Jim asked.
“You could say that again,” Blair kidded.
“We’re sort of dense aren’t we?” Jim teased back.
“Very funny. So when we get home tonight, we just go off to our separate bedrooms and lie there all night alone?” Blair wanted to know.
“You make it sound like it’s not a good thing. Blair, we need to take this slow and easy. I want us to be sure that we aren’t making any mistakes,” Jim said.
“Jim, I want you. I’m sure I want you. I know I want you. I know you want me too, so what is the problem?”
“I’m telling ya, we’re going to take it slow,” Jim said less forceful.
“I want you to fuck me. Right now,” Blair suggested.
Jim licked his lips and tried to be strong. “Blair, don’t do this to me. We need to take our time.”
“I want you to take your time as you fuck me like there is no tomorrow. I want you to fuck me so hard I won’t be able to walk right for two days. I want you to fuck me so hard that I’ll know exactly who I belong to. Get my drift?” Blair asked.
Jim pulled Blair into his arms and said, “Okay, you win. I’m going to fuck you like there is no tomorrow. I’m going to fuck you until you can’t walk right for two days and I’m going to fuck you so you know exactly who I belong to. And then you’re going to fuck me.”
“All right, now we’re talking,” Blair said as he pulled Jim up the stairs.
Jim stopped him and said, “First I want to get cleaned up. Don’t you?” Jim asked.
“Yeah, I wasn’t thinking straight. Oh yeah, I’m not straight,” Blair kidded.
Both men stripped in the bathroom and helped each other clean up. Blair was hard and ready to go. Jim was a little more nervous.
Blair pulled Jim up the stairs to the bed and pushed him down as hard as he could. “All right, now this is what I call a wonderful fantasy life.”
Jim laughed and pulled Blair down on top of him and they began humping each other as they kissed.
“Wait a minute,” Blair said breathless.
“What?” Jim asked.
“I don’t want to come from you humping me. I want you to fuck me,” Blair ordered.
Jim got the condom and the lube out and started to get down to business. Before long Blair was begging for Jim to fuck him and fuck him hard. Jim could do little else. His little Ellison wasn’t really thinking any longer. He pulled Blair’s legs on either side of his hips and began to slowly push his cock into Blair’s tight, hot, hole. Blair was making all of the right sounds, so that Jim knew he wasn’t hurting him and he pushed in all the way and then slowly pulled out and back in again. Before long he was thrusting like mad and Blair was begging for release. Jim reached down and fisted Blair’s cock three times and Blair came shouting Jim’s name. Blair’s ass milked Jim’s cock just the way he needed it to be and Jim came shouting Blair’s name.
When he finally slid out of Blair, Jim grabbed some Kleenex and cleaned them both off. Blair began to kiss Jim like crazy. “I love you, man.”
“I love you, Chief.”
“Are we still going to date, or are we past that?” Blair asked smiling.
Jim smacked Blair’s ass and said, “Very funny. Yes, we’re going to date too. We can date and sleep together.”
“I can work with that, Jim. I’m so glad we love each other,” Blair admitted.
“I’m glad too. I’m also glad that you found that journal, because it helped a lot,” Jim confessed.
“I know, we would still be dancing around each other if it wasn’t for that man. That sad man that couldn’t get up the nerve to do what we did,” Blair said.
“I wish he would have,” Jim said, “because I have a feeling the other man would have felt the same way as we did.”
“I have a quick question…” Blair said.
“Can anyone know about us?” Blair asked.
“Like who?” Jim wondered.
“Like the bullpen gang. They all think we’re doing it anyhow, would it hurt to tell them we are?” Blair inquired.
“Let’s give it a few weeks and then we’ll talk about coming out,” Jim suggested.
“I love you, Jim.”
“And I love you, Blair.”
“We’re a great team. Can we have a power nap now?” Blair asked hoping he got to rest before they did it again.
“I would love a power nap with you. I love cuddling,” Jim said as he pulled Blair into his arms for a much needed nap.
“Sweet dreams,” Blair whispered.
“All of my dreams have come true, so they’ll all be sweet,” Jim said softly as he started to drift to sleep.
The next thing that could be heard from the loft bedroom was words of love and soft snores.
Back to the Slashdex
Acknowledgments: Thank you to Maggie for the book of prompts. Thank you to Mary for the beta.