Of Sentinels, Guides, and Doppelgangers - Tinnean
An experience in sheer silliness
Warning: Here there be sheer silliness. A Sentinel Crossover with Decoys, with nods to Titanic, The Princess Bride, Mr. Sparky, Field of Dreams, A League of Their Own, Dragnet (1987), Rabbit Seasoning, Saturday Night Live, Joe vs. the Volcano, The Lone Ranger, Blazing Saddles, Jagged Edge, Jaws, Young Frankenstein, Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, and very, very obliquely to Jerry Maguire.
"Jesus, Lash! Why are you taking your pants off?"
"Because I'm king of the world!"
"You're fucking nuts is what you are!"
"Lalala! I can't hear you!"
"Jesus - "
"You said that already!"
"Eat dirt and die, Lash!"
"I'd rather not, if you don't mind. Now, as I was saying, I'm going to show you what it's like to have a real man make love to you, Blair Sandburg!"
"Oh? There's a real man around here?"
"Me! You... You... "
"You think I can't make you howl with pleasure? You think I can't make you beg for it? Well, let me tell you, my friend! By the time I'm done with you, you're going to be so well-fucked you're... you're... "
"You're going to be pregnant!"
"No, it's... oh, a pun."
"Actually, no. A fact."
"Sorry, I'm not following you."
"Hello? Male here!"
"I knew that! A minor inconvenience. Now let me finish! I'll make you whimper! I'll make you mewl! I'll - Are you - Ewww! You just threw up all over my shoes!"
"It's the mewling thing, Lash. You had me until then."
"Yeah. Sorry. I just can't take an assault seriously when I'm threatened with mewling."
"Well, fuck it! It works in the fanfics!"
"In case you haven't noticed, puppy, this isn't fanfiction!"
"Detective Ellison! How'd you get here?"
"I took a cab. And I'm not Detective Ellison, puppy! I'm Detective Francis Kirk!!!"
"I said I'm Detective Francis Kirk. Geez, pay attention you two, will you?"
"No, you're not."
"How can you tell?"
"You rolled your eyes."
"Well, don't sulk. It's unbecoming a detective of your stature."
"Shut up, Sandburg! I'm in charge! How did you find us, Detective Kirk?"
"I had some spare time between cases. See, I just solved this case where there were a series of killings on the local college campus. I'm gonna get something out of this one, let me tell you! Might even cop Cop of the Year!"
"Uh, I didn't mean... "
"Yeah. The vics were young, virile, buff. And they all wound up as studsicles. It was nasty all right, but I nailed the perps. The women did it!"
"I don't understand it."
"What's not to understand? They were very attractive, if you like women with that dark inner hint of danger."
"And you do, don't you, Jim? I can tell by that look in your eye."
"What look? It's just I've got this little tickle in the back of my throat is all. And my name is Francis."
"Hey! Pay attention to me! I keep telling you, I'm the one in charge here!"
"Sure, that's right, Lash. You're in charge."
"You're mocking me!"
"How can you tell?"
"It's the rolling-your-eyes thing, puppy. It's a dead giveaway."
"Shoot. Gotta be more careful about that."
"Shut up, you two! Now answer me, Detective Kirk! How did you manage to track us down? I built this place so no one could find it!"
"Hey, if you build it, I will come!"
"Uh... right, Jim."
"Francis, goddammit! How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Well, whoever you are, it took you long enough to get here! Do you have any idea how close this yoyo came to molesting me?"
"You were going to molest this handsome young man? You pervert! Not that I can blame you!"
"I heard that!"
"Well, face it, puppy. You are kind of cute, in a neo-hippy, witchdoctor punk kind of way."
"Thanks. I think."
"So would you mind untying me? I'm starting to lose feeling in my hands and feet."
"All in good time, puppy. Now suppose you tell me what's going on?"
"Long story short, bright boy over there decided he wants to be a daddy, and he chose me to be the mom."
"That's... that's... "
"Inconceivable? Yeah, that's what I said."
"I was gonna say that's really fucked up, but whatever. You're one sick puppy, you know that?"
"That's not what I wanted to do! And don't you yell at me! You big meanie!"
"Wait a second, Lash! Are you crying? There's no crying in police work!"
"Well, you've hurt my feelings! Both of you!"
"Aw, fuck it. Shoot him now, Francis! Shoot him now!"
"Buh bye, Lash!"
"Thank god, it's Jim!"
"Shit! I was just going to shoot him! So... uh... I guess he's dead?"
"What gave you the first clue, Sherlock?"
"Should have been the blood and brains on the wall, Jim."
"Francis! I keep telling you guys, the name is... Oh. Sorry. You were talking to him. So. Who're you, puppy?"
"I'm Detective Jim Ellison, Sentinel of the Great City, Cop of the Year, Roommate of Blair Sandburg!"
"Who just so happens to be his Guide!"
"And who, may I ask, are you?"
"Detective Francis Kirk!"
"Any relation to James T.?"
"Never mind. Say, you're kind of cute."
"You really think so?"
"Yes, I do. I'm a police detective, and I wouldn't lie to you."
"That's so nice of you to say. You don't think my hair's too... too... "
"I think your hair looks perfect."
"I think yours looks good too."
"Uh, Jim? Francis? One of you want to untie me?"
"Huh? Oh, sure, Chief."
"That's better. Thanks. I was starting to lose feeling in my... "
"Yeah, you said. In your hands and feet."
"I was going to say my butt."
"Hey, you have any idea how long I've been sitting here? I think my ass fell asleep. Uh... Why are you patting my ass, Jim?"
"Just trying to wake it up."
"Well, thank you again."
"That's what friends are for, Chief. Ready to go home?"
"I... uh... I think I'll go visit Naomi. She's in town for a few days, and... "
"And what, Chief? Are you bailing on me?"
"I just... I kind of had the feeling you and Francis would like to be alone."
"Are you kidding? Oh, I think the guy's drop-dead gorgeous, but... "
"But what, Jim?"
"He's not a neo-hippy, witchdoctor punk."
"And you have a weakness for them?"
"I have a weakness for one of them! C'mere, Chief!"
"Yeah! You're a great kisser!"
"You're not exactly chopped liver yourself, big guy."
"Kiss me again!"
"Sure, Jim. But... "
"But... ? It's always gonna be something with you, isn't it? Now what's worrying you?"
"You never said anything before."
"Didn't the grope give you a hint?"
"It was a very nice grope, Jim... "
"Sorry to interrupt you guys, but I'm starting to feel like a fifth wheel. I think I'd better hit the road."
"Well, thanks, Francis."
"You're welcome, puppy. So long, Jim. It's been... real."
"Say, who was that dapperly dressed man?"
"Dunno, Jim. I did kind of wonder if his name might be Quasimodo."
"Huh? How come?"
"Well, his face rings a bell."
"Rings a bell? Quasimodo? Oh! I get it!"
"Not yet, but you will!"
"Huh? Oh! Hahahahaha!"
"Jim? Get a grip."
"Sorry. So you were saying?"
"What a nice guy."
"But not as nice as me, right, Chief?"
"No one's as nice as you, Jim."
"Well, we're all done here. Might as well hit the road ourselves."
"Uh... What about Lash?"
"What about him? He's not going anywhere."
"Well, he's lying there, all bloody and dead."
"Fuck him, Chief. He's trash!"
"Are you sure?"
"Sure he's trash? Come on, he kidnapped you!"
"That wasn't what I meant, O Blessed Protector. Can we just leave him here?"
"I'm the Sentinel; you're my Guide! We can do whatever we want! Now kiss me, you hot Guide, you!"
"Mmmm! I love you, big guy."
"The feeling is mutual!"
"You're not gonna start singing Sweet mystery of life at last I've found you, are you?"
"Not right this minute, short eyes. But once we're home... "
"Is that a promise?"
"All righty then, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"
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Acknowledgements: Thanks to Patt for laughing until she coughed, to Annie for the beta, and to Candygram for the artwork. The 'mewling' is for Tony. ::whistles innocently::