The Last Time I Felt Your Lips On My Skin... - Banbury McBurg
Gonzales sat with his back to the other tables. He did it intentionally. It was just his luck – first time in Cascade for twenty years and the first familiar face had to be Ellison.
He sighed to himself - JJ - and glanced sideways to his wife. She was oblivious to him, chatting with his cousin Jane.
He knew Jane saw JJ, and she was the only one who knew about them. She was the one who introduced JJ to him at last and the one who told him that Ellison went missing all that years back in Peru. She…
Gonzales caught Jane’s eyes across the table and shrugged helplessly. He hadn’t thought of JJ (Jim he sighed again) that often over the last years but his name was the first on a long list of his regrets.
It was strange to discover ten years after their little ‘encounter’ that Jim was the only person in a long line of Gonza’s ‘affairs’ who meant a lot to him. More than a lot. He closed his eyes and easily remembered feeling Jim’s fingers sliding along his chest, circling nipples, hot breath and tongue on his navel…
“Are you cold, honey?”
Gonza shivered and opened his eyes. “I’m good, darling.” He met his wife’s questioning look and bared his teeth in a sort of smile. Jane shook her head.
He tuned them out again and recalled that evening before the wedding. Jane’d looked at him strangely the whole dinner and then thrust the journal in his hands passing him at the door. He’d felt lightheaded the next day, didn’t remember the party and wedding night all that well, but there was strange bitter joy in his heart and one thought - he’s alive, I can call him, I can tell him… - even if he knew he could and would tell Jim nothing. Just…
Gonza raised his eyes to the mirror, decorated the wall near their table. He could see Jim very well. Ellison looked good. Damn, he was gorgeous, thought Gonzales, he could afford to tell himself now that one if not the main part of his attraction to Jim that many years ago was his appearance. Jim himself had never realized just how good he looked – tall, lean, with smiling blue eyes and mop of dark blond hair. They looked together well – two sides of one coin – light and shadow, fire and ice, you can name it. They fit each other perfectly. It was completely his fault and his loss that he was cockscomb that time and thought very much of himself…
He glanced up again. Jim sat at the table with two other people. Huge buff African-American with surprisingly intelligent face and the younger one, well tanned with wild bush of hair, quite informal style of his clothes and blinding smile. The younger one held a conversation almost solely, waving to make his statements and dramatically whispering in the appropriate places. Two older men encouragingly toasted him with their beer mugs.
Gonza lowered his head and smiled wistfully. These three men seemed to be so relaxed; obviously enjoying each other’s company and lack of pressing matters, that he instantly felt deep regret being such a coward and not calling Jim when he arrived in Cascade. Maybe he’ll be able… Gonza quickly discarded that line of thought but couldn’t help remembering the feel of JJ’s strong fingers sliding under his shirt and teeth nipping at his ear.
He heard Jane’s almost inaudible sigh. Gonza looked at her out of the corner of his eye, became aware of his ears burning, and shook his head. He didn’t need to embarrass himself watching an old flame as a lovesick teenager.
Jane virtuously included him in her conversation with Barb and the next several minutes Gonza felt himself almost human, almost as if Jim hadn’t sat with his back to him. His only regret at that point was that he couldn’t see Jim’s smile again, even in the mirror, even directed to the other men.
Gonza didn’t know what possessed him to glance up the mirror that ill-fated minute. He saw Jim as the other one rose from the table and headed towards the restroom but only after looking at Gonza with unreadable eyes slowly licking his lips.
Gonza was lost.
He didn’t think how it looked in the eyes of the people around him when he got up and headed in the same direction. Nor had he thought of what he’d have to tell his wife. It was as if siren’s song guided him that way. He didn’t even remember that there was one more person that left the table before following the same path.
He was lucky there was nobody here when he had to crouch and look under the doors to find where Jim was. And he was lucky only one of the booths was occupied… with two sets of legs. The rush of the blood in his ears left him lightheaded and disoriented. Gonza didn’t think at all when he stood up and went to the next stall.
There was the sound of hard breath behind the wall and occasional low moan for some minutes. Gonza just stood there, trying to inhale lungful of air before collapsing from the suffocation. He heard the sound of lowering zipper and a familiar groan through the clenched teeth. He knew this groan anywhere; it was the first sound of JJ’s pleasure when Gonza’d gone down on him way back when.
It was if he could really see what they were doing on the other side of the thin wall. Long wet sound – somebody was licking Jim’s dick, that perfect, long, hard, so good in his hands… Gonza gulp down a lump in the throat, almost tasting the salty man’s flavor. He longed to feel it for real, but it was somebody else, who freed his prize with pop sound and licked Jim’s navel.
Oh, Gonza didn’t need to see what the other one was doing, he could tell it just by sounds – JJ’s moans, whimpers and sighs.
“Open your eyes, Ji-im.” The voice was intoxicating, it poured like thick molasses burning its way down Gonza’s veins straight to his groin. Jim just exhaled with a low quiet roar and Gonza was lost again.
Oh, that man was the match for Jim gruffly admitted Gonza hurriedly lowering his own zipper. He could just imagine what he was doing to his erstwhile lover to cause these sounds. He yearned to feel that tongue, these hands and lips on himself. He wasn’t even sure which ones – Jim’s or the other man’s – just somebody’s, just to feel once again that sense of flying when your blood rushes south and the whole world blocks out.
Gonza bit his lip perfectly in sync with JJ’s long shuddering sigh.
“Oh, sunshine.” Just two words. Just two words and Paul Gonzales knew he wouldn’t be able to feel Jim’s lips on himself ever again. Never ever. He sat on the closed lid and waited until he heard steps and the sound of the closing door. Then a little more. He returned to the table when Jim and his companions stood starting to leave.
Gonza felt the eyes on himself and glanced up. The younger man with the beautiful hair watched him with a strange expression – not threatening nor pitiful, more like ‘I have something you’ll never have’. Gonza almost shrugged to that when he caught Jim fleeting look at him with all-too-familiar ‘don’t play with me, buddy’ and nod. He wouldn’t play with them. However, it wouldn’t prevent him from playing with himself on long lonely nights remembering the quiet roar and wet sounds and half-forgotten feel of hot firm lips on his skin.
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Notes: Thank you so much to Amy for the lovely cover art. You have to love Jim’s smile.